Akatsuki Events
by redclouds
Summary: Little events in each pair of the Akatsuki's lives, humor with some adventure or action in some chapters.
1. Chapter 1

* * *

Author's note

My third story detailing events in each pairs lives. Humor with some adventure I suppose in some chapters.

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Chapter 1 Itachi & Kisame

"Geez Itachi-san why do you always have to walk so slow cant we run for once?" Kisame whined.

"No Kisame this is optimum speed for this situation. Besides outside of battle you know I don't run running is for Inuzuka's." Itachi replied.

Itachi and Kisame were traveling through the Land of Water fairly close to the Village Hidden in the Mist. They were sent by Leader to kill an informant giving out information on Akatsuki. Several encounters had already been had between the pair and Mist ninja as Kisame is number one in their Bingo Book. The two are currently heading to an ocean side town where the rat is supposedly staying.

"You may want to do something about your appearance you're easily recognizable, not many people look like there parents are not of the same species." Itachi said.

"You're mean, if we were in Konoha _everyone_ would recognize you, and could you stop acting like you have no emotions you heartless freak!" Kisame yelled.

Needless to say this was early on in their partnership, but after the second Tsukiyomi Kisame started to see things Itachi's way.

"Please dear God don't do that again." Kisame said with fear in his voice.

"What? Cant take 72 hours of being made into shark fin soup?" Itachi replied.

They arrived at the town soon after and decided to go into the local tavern to get information about their target. Kisame received many odd stares and it was getting really hard for him to not start shaving some people.

"So do you know anything about a Mr. Jones." Itachi asked the bartender.

The bartender himself was heavily intoxicated and so his only reply was this:

"Whazza hells up wit dos eyes o your's, ya already dronk? And dat ponytail is purty gay don't ya think?"

Itachi was not amused

* * *

"You didn't have to set fire to the place did you Itachi?" Kisame asked.

"He made fun of my ponytail no one makes fun of my ponytail and lives." Itachi said.

Kisame always thought the ponytail was rather girly but was never stupid enough to tell that to Mr. I killed my whole clan and I'll kill you too. "Yeah but isn't Amaterasu a bit extreme, that things still burning and I think it branched over to the forest."

"I don't have time for your environmentalist concerns." Itachi had had it and was now facing his partner with his sharingan staring Kisame in the eye. "We are already behind schedule and I don't like not making a deadline."

"Well maybe we wouldn't be behind schedule if we would've ran here instead of walking so slowly I could feel the fucking continental drift!" Kisame yelled also fed up with his partner.

It was on.

* * *

72 Tsukiyomi hours later

"Please no more soup Itachi! Please!" Kisame yelled.

"Do you see it my way now?"

"Argh, damnit. Pant, pant…. Are you even able to see at all with those busted eyes of yours?"

* * *

72 more Tsukiyomi hours later

"Well now that we've established the ground rules of our partnership Kisame I believe we'll be a very effective team, don't you think?"

"…………" Kisame was too traumatized by the torture to reply.

"Alright now let's find our target and get back to base."

A few hours later their target was nabbed and the duo returned to the Akatsuki base. Pein was waiting for them inside, which was odd as they never notified him they were coming back it looked like he'd been standing in the same spot for several hours.

"Well how did the mission go?" Pein asked.

"It went-" Both started to reply at the same time but with a glare from Itachi Kisame quieted down.

"It went well Leader-sama the target was nabbed with little difficulty." Itachi replied.

"Well what's this I hear from Zetsu about an Amaterasu Itachi?" Pein asked.

Kisame was trying to keep in his glee as now Leader would surely reprimand Itachi for the act.

"Someone made fun of my ponytail so I set him on fire. It was unavoidable."

"Ah. Alright then carry on with your business. I hope you two will become good friends as you can't be effective partners without being good friends." Pein said totally out of character.

Kisame was fucking pissed.

* * *

Author's note

Alright chapter one completed. Each chapter will probably be about this long. And new chapters will come every few days or so.


	2. Chapter 2

Authors note

Here is chapter 2 of Akatsuki events dealing with the second pair introduced, Deidara and Sasori.

Talking

_Deidara panting_

**Thinking**

* * *

Chapter 2- Find Your words

Two members of Akatsuki find themselves in a canyon not far from the Akatsuki base, Deidara is jumping up and down over and over again and Sasori approaches him.

"_Pant_, _pant_… hurgh, _pant_, _pant_…. hurgh, _pant_, _pant_…"

"Deidara, what are you doing?" Sasori asked annoyance already in his voice.

"_Pant_, _pant_…. I'm seeing how many times I can jump up and down before I pass out from exhaustion yeah, hurgh, _pant_, _pant_." Deidara replied.

"Are you an idiot?" Sasori asked.

"Hurgh, pant, pant…. what?" Deidara replied.

"Yeah I thought so."

Unbeknownst to the pair Deidara's constant jumping caused a boulder to fall off the canyon wall going straight for Sasori.

"Stop jumping Deidara it's starting to piss me off, don't make me wait for you to stop." Sasori said.

"Make me un. Look master Sasori I respect you and all but you don't control me and I- HOLY SHIT UN!" Deidara yelled as he saw the boulder falling and realized it would hit Sasori.

"What is it Deidara?" Sasori asked.

"Un master Sasori hmm yeah yeah rock un rock hmm yeah falling un, yeah master sasori un!" Deidara spat out in all of 2 seconds.

"Deidara I don't understand a damn thing you're saying you need to say more than un, yeah, and hmm." Sasori said.

Deidara tried to take it slowly. "Rock un falling hmm on yeah un you un."

"Rock? What rock?" Sasori was then crushed.

"Oh my God Sasori no Danna are you alright?!" Deidara yelled now out of his yeah fit. "Holy shit somebody help hmm. Don't worry master Sasori you'll be okay yeah."

Deidara ran back to the akatsuki base to get help from the other members, unfortunately the only one there was the least helpful of all.

"Hi Deidara-sempai! How are you doing?" Tobi asked with a smile (You all know he's smiling under that mask)

"Tobi I need your help Sasori just got crushed by a huge rock and he could be hurt." Deidara said.

"How big would you say huge is Deidara-sempai? Was it this big (he holds his hands apart) or was it this big (he spreads his arms wider)."

"Tobi! I don't have time for this un, if you see anybody tell them what happened." Deidara said.

"Well I'm suppose to be fixing that closet Itachi got locked in so I-." Tobi started.

"Look Tobi I gotta get back to Sasori see ya un." Deidara ran off back to Sasori.

"Kukuku Tobi, who was that?" Orochimaru asked as he popped up out of nowhere.

But that's a story for another day.

* * *

Back with Sasori

**Damn Deidara cant he talk like a normal person. Freaking stuck under a boulder, when that asshole gets me out of here I'm going to kick his girly little ass. **

* * *

Deidara was now trying his damndest to get that boulder off of Sasori, normally he would blow it up but a couple of days ago Kakuzu stitched his palm mouths shut and hadn't seen fit to unstitch them yet.

"Damn boulder move move. Piece of crap hmm, damn you Kakuzu I'm blowing your ass up!" Deidara pushed with all his might and was able to dislodge the boulder.

**What the hell? He actually got me out?**

Deidara was overcome with glee…. until he saw the shattered remnants of Hiruko under the boulder as well as several smashed pieces of Sasori's real body.

"I'm in deep shit aren't I un?" Deidara asked to Sasori who had risen out of the hole.

"Deidara…. I had just finished repairing Hiruko from when Hidan broke him, and now because of you he is damaged beyond repair. Guess who I'm going to make a puppet out of to replace Hiruko?" Sasori said.

"Uhhh…. can it be Tobi instead un?"

* * *

Alright chapter 2 of Akatsuki events is finished chapter 3 will be with Hidan and Kakuzu chapter 4 will be Zetsu and chapter 5 will be Konan and Pein. And don't worry about Tobi aside from his appearance here he will also appear in chapters 4 and 5.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's note

Well here's chapter 3 dealing with Hidan and Kakuzu.

* * *

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No."

"You better be asshole, we did not just walk across the entire country just because you wanted to find a bargain at some dirty ass flea market."

"I think we did."

"You son of a bitch, I'll kill you."

"Well then at least I wouldn't have to listen to you anymore."

Hidan and Kakuzu were making their way to the world's largest flea market. Kakuzu had heard some good things about it and wanted to see if he could finally find someplace where he could shop regularly. However he was forced to bring Hidan along and after several decapitations Hidan still hadn't seemed to realize that pissing off Kakuzu was stupid.

"Geez look at all this crap I wouldn't spit on it. I mean seriously this is the stuff Jashin made to piss people off on purpose."

"You don't appreciate a good deal at all, look at this vase it's dirty and chipped but I can get it for two bucks when normal retail would be around 50."

"Why the hell do you want a vase anyways! And the reason it costs more at stores is because the qualities better!"

"Lesser quality is fine with me if its lesser cost." Kakuzu had never once been to a store that wasn't having a sale, which is why he likes flea markets so much, everyday's a sale.

"Whatever just buy us some food at a one of those vendors I'm starving."

"Those vendors are overpriced and if you think I'm paying for you you might as well just cut off your head now."

"Fuck you, I'll pay you back later, and besides you need to eat sometime too."

"I don't need to eat, I'm Kakuzu."

"I hate you."

* * *

"All of this shit is worthless, so why the fuck are you buying it! What the fuck do we need a ripped slip-n-slide for!." Hidan was getting pissed at Kakuzu for buying every worthless thing he came across….. except food.

"The slide is a Christmas present for Tobi, I like to get my shopping done early."

"Like he's gonna want a torn one dipshit!"

"You're talking to the 'human sewing machine' here, your words idiot."

Kakuzu had gotten Christmas presents for almost everyone now he just needed Hidan's.

"Oh my fucking Jashin. Kakuzu get over here." Hidan had found something very interesting.

"What is it?"

"I've found it! I've found the Holy Goblet of Jashin."

"Is that some stupid Jashin artifact?"

"The stupidest. This thing guarantees me entrance into Jashin heaven and if I don't get it I go to Jashin hell."

"With the crappy cartoons?"

"No they remade it, now you're forced to listen to the first verse of the Happy Day's song over and over for eternity. Kakuzu you need to buy this for me or God, fuck, Jashin is gonna send me to hell."

"How much does it cost?"

"You bastard."

"Sorry, well not really, but it appears that the Holy Goblet of retardation is out of your reach." Kakuzu then walked off laughing.

Hidan was pissed.

"You… you cant do this… its not fair you son of a bitch!" Hidan then ran at Kakuzu and tackled him to the ground. Only one thought was on his mind.

"God damn it give me back my wallet Hidan!" Hidan was holding Kakuzu's wallet and his hand sifted through it's contents pulling out all of Kakuzu's hard earned money.

"Hidan, what are you doing?" Kakuzu's rage, and maybe fear, were evident in his voice as Hidan dropped Kakuzu's wallet and brought his other hand to the money getting ready to tear it all in half.

"Well Kakuzu, look at the predicament we're in here. Now you can either buy the Goblet or you can watch as your money is ripped apart before your eyes, I wonder how massive your heart attack will be?"

"No I need my money, I'm Kakuzu!"

"Then buy the fucking Goblet."

"Fine."

Later the two were walking back to the Akatsuki hideout pouring over their finds. Kakuzu cradled his wallet in his arm and made sure none of his buy's slipped out of the bag on his back. Hidan was treating the Goblet like it was Jashin himself holding it tightly to him and muttering the Happy Day's theme. All of the sudden a lightbulb turned on in Hidan's head………. for once.

"Wait, why the hell didn't we just steal the Goblet, in fact we probably could've just stolen everything nobody's gonna come investigating a 'fire' ata flea market."

Hidan hadn't noticed Kakuzu had stopped walking and bumped into him.

"Ow, watch where your going asshole!"

"…………."

"You're going to decapitate me now aren't you."

* * *

And thats chapter 3 next up Zetsu.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's note:

Alright sorry this took so long getting out my fans, (still not many), but I couldn't really think of what I was going to do for Zetsu and I recently was in school so I had that stuff, but now I'm out of school so updates should be faster.

**Zetsu's black half**

_Thinking/flashback_

* * *

Chapter 4- Count on others…. to bother you

"Shut up."

"**Make me."**

"I'll eat you."

"**You've tried that before and it didn't work."**

"It'll work this time."

"**You're an idiot."**

"Shut up."

Zetsu was taking his only day off to argue with himself and not have any fun at all…... like always. Pein decided to give him the day off because he realized Zetsu never had any fun and was always doing work.

_10 minutes ago_

"_Zetsu, why don't you take the day off?" Pein said._

"_But Leader-sama my duties are very important I cant just take the day off."_

"_**What the hell are you saying! I hate work."**_

"_Don't worry I'll just make Deidara do you're work." Pein told them._

"_**Accept the terms idiot!"**_

"_Shut up."_

"_**Make me."**_

"_Both of you be quiet, I wont take no for an answer, besides I've already told Konan to dye Deidara's hair green for the occasion."_

"_**It's going to be unpleasant around here when he wakes up."**_

So Zetsu decided to take the day off and was now relaxing half melted into the ground thinking about whatever crosses his mind. He had just finished arguing with himself when…

"Oh! I found you Zetsu-san! What are you doing up in the forest it took me forever to find you." Tobi said, much too loud and happy for Zetsu's taste's.

"Leader convinced me to take the day off and relax while Deidara does my job." Zetsu replied.

"Ohhh, is that why Deidara-sempai's hair was dyed green? He was crying when he saw it."

"**He deserves it for blowing up my garden."**

"So Zetsu-san you're just going to sit here and relarx for the whole day?"

"Yeah I…. wait, did you say relarx?"

"Yes, I said relax."

"……. Whatever."

"**Don't try to understand him, you'll end up killing yourself."**

"Haha you make funny jokes Zetsu-san."

'Tobi go away I'm trying to enjoy the best of my day off, and shouldn't you be doing your work anyways?"

"I convinced Hidan-san that cleaning up the bathrooms was like cleaning the impurity out of them, so now he sees it as a religious practice."

_When did Tobi get so smart?_

_**Don't ask me I replaced his water bottle with one filled with Windex, if anything he should have died.**_

_If only._

"So will you please just leave anyways Tobi, you're taking up my air."

"Ahh you're mean Zetsu-san!" Tobi then ran off sniffling under his mask.

"**Finally."**

Zetsu enjoyed the rest of the day immensely he made friends with the palm tree Pein planted in the back yard, he ate a wanderer that was passing by, and he found a nice spot to sit in and watch the world go by.

"**This is boring, I hate you."**

"Shut up."

……………

End of chapter 4 next chapter is Pein and Konan with some Tobi and everyone's uhh 'favorite' pedo……… Orochimaru!

It should be out in about a week, cause I got stuff to do.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's note

Well this is it the final chapter of Akatsuki Events. Hope you enjoy.

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Chapter 5: Rings, paper, third person, and snakes

"Pein."

No answer.

"Pein."

Still no answer.

"Pein get your lazy ass off of the couch!"

"First of all, rule number 7: Use your inside voice, second, gimme a minute I'm watching my Soap."

"**Tch**."

_5 minutes later_

"New rule, members are banned from watching Soap Operas." Konan said as Pein cried over what used to be their new television.

Pein and Konan were having a rather uneventful day, almost every other member of Akatsuki was out doing something and the two never really spent that much time alone together. Pein was starting to get on Konan's nerves.

"You still haven't fixed the closet door Pein, Itachi wont stop complaining about it ever since he got locked inside with Orochimaru."

"I'll get around to it……. Later."

"Do it now or I'll take away your Wii."

"……….Okay."

* * *

"Hi Leader-sama! Are you having a good day? Cause Tobi is that's for sure , even though Zetsu-san was mean to me Tobi just put that memory away in his dark space."

"Always with the third person, could you ever stop doing that?"

"Whats third person?"

"Yeah, I thought so. So anyways Tobi Konan says you need to fix the closet door today."

"Alright Tobi will do it because Tobi is a good boy…… does this mean I get to use your power tools Leader-sama?"

"No."

* * *

"Geez this is a lot harder than I expected, I really need those power tools. But Leader-sama will be angry if I use them, what do I do?"

_5 minutes later_

"Pein what the hell is that noise?"

Konan had recently heard a buzzing sound coming from down the hallway and upon going to inspect it stumbled across Pein.

_Damnit Tobi_. "Uhh it must be the ghosts using the power tools to make a sandwich of ecto-stuff." _Man I'm stupid sometimes_.

"You made Tobi do it didn't you."

"Rule number 1: Don't disobey Leader."

"Get your ass up."

* * *

'ring' 'ring'

"Oh the doorbell! I wonder who it could be?" Tobi said as he wandered away from the closet to greet the guest.

* * *

"Well it's a good thing Tobi left because he's not doing anymore of _your_ work. Now hurry up and fix the closet door."

"Oh come on Konan we hardly ever spend any alone time with each other and when the only one here is Tobi you want me to fix a door. Instead why don't we put this closet to better use?" Pein said as he pulled Konan inside.

"We don't have time for this, there's still a lot of work that needs to be done and-"

Slam!

"The door just closed Konan."

"Yes Pein, I know."

* * *

"Kukuku well hello there Tobi-kun, It's a real pleasure to see you here." Said Orochimaru as he walked inside.

"Oh hello Orochimaru-sama it's a real surprise seeing you here after Leader kicked you out." Tobi said totally oblivious to the fact that Orochimaru shouldn't be there.

"Well I was in the neighborhood and just decided to visit and 'chat up' Itachi-kun."

"Well sorry but he's not here right now. In fact only me, Leader, and scary lady are here."

"Well would you like to 'talk' with me kukuku?"

"Uhh sure, I think I was supposed to do something but I forgot what it was."

Orochimaru and Tobi walked into the Akatsuki manor and Orochimaru saw Pein lead Konan into the defective closet out of the corner of his eye.

_Kuku…… perfect_

"Whats this door doing open I wonder?" Orochimaru said as he slammed it shut. "Now we can have our 'conversation'."

* * *

"Damn the doors still broken and my anti-jutsu seals are still working….. we're trapped Konan."

"Ugh trapped with you? Alone? This is unbearable."

"Come on I'm not that bad to be around."

_5 minute later_

"Konan have you ever punched a dolphin?"

'Sigh'. "No Pein."

* * *

"Well that's a very interesting story Tobi-kun." _God I want to blow my brains out._

"The best part was when the Easter bunny arrived!"

"Uhh, while I'm sure that's a great story why don't we go somewhere a little more private?"

"Rule number 4: Never go somewhere private with Orochimaru."

"……..What?"

* * *

"Konan have you ever eaten a cactus?"

"No Pein."

* * *

"Oh I see Leader put those rules up, hahaha, you don't really need to follow them though, I'm sure he was just joking about me being a child molester."

"Leader-sama never jokes Tobi assures you."

"Well I assure you that I don't mean to rape you."

"Rule number 5: If you're a male Orochimaru wants to rape you."

"Itachi came up with that one didn't he?"

'ring' 'ring'

"Oh the doorbell, I'll get it."

_Later_

"Who was it Tobi-kun?"

"Just Dediara-sempai with some hair problem."

"Oh right the girly blonde guy."

* * *

"Konan have you ever been forced to do morally questionable acts?"

"No Pein."

"………………Konan have you ver done morally questionable acts for the hell of it?"

"……….Yes Pein."

* * *

"Well Tobi-kun it seems I have to leave, tell Itachi his brother's better than he is for me will you?" Orochimaru asked as he was preparing to leave.

"Uhh well I don't think you're going to get home as fast as you think."

"Hmm? Why not?"

"Well Leader-sama told me that if you ever come over here I'm supposed to call this number: 1-800-Pedopatrol."

"You didn't really call them did you Tobi?" Orochimaru asked pleadingly.

"There they are now!" Tobi said in his happy manner.

_5 minutes later_

"No wait this is a mistake! I'm not a pedophile! Damn anti-jutsu seals! Stop release me, I am Orochimaru!" Orochimaru was then put in a straightjacket and thrown in the back of a van.

"Well hopefully we wont be seeing him for awhile." Pein said.

"Hey Leader-sama! How did you get out of the closet?" Tobi asked.

"Plot-hole jutsu." Pein replied.

"But what about the anti-jutsu seals?"

"Paradox jutsu."

"**Hey Tobi.."** Konan said rage boiling over. "**If you knew we were in the closet why didn't you help us**?"

"Uhhhh………"

* * *

And that's the end of chapter 5 and the story as a whole. Now that this and This One Time are finished I will be working on my new comedy series: Akatsuki Baseball.

Stay tuned .


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